Archive | August 2013

One year on……

 Dear Granddad,

The days get ticked off the calendar each day, the seasons have passed. So here we are it’s been a year. So much has happened since you slipped away; the children are growing up so quickly.

Can you believe that G is 2 years old today! We’re taking him to the Zoo for a special day out. I may even let him have his face painted. He is the image of you; many others agree. He’s got your forehead, your colouring; he’s pigheaded and relentless in his moaning. Remind you of anyone? But despite these traits he is a very loving little boy. His favourite past-time is still eating; give a piece of meat and he is at his happiest.

T is 4 in September; 4 going on 14! Little Miss Chatterbox with a very large helping of attitude and sassiness. But she is very intelligent. She loves counting, writing and reading. A bit of a scaredy-cat when it comes to insects – just like her mother. She has got one more year before she starts infant school, and by the time next year comes round she will be more than ready.

L is 9 and a half now and only has two more years left at primary school. Hard to believe isn’t it! I love the fact that you both very nearly almost shared a birthday. I did try. I hope you got the balloon we sent up for you on your birthday. She is does Jujitsu now. It’s a martial art which teaches defence. She is very good at it, and is being graded in 3 weeks for her next belt. She really is growing into such a beautiful girl.

You would be proud of all 3. Although I know they would bewilder you, as they always did. But they would make you smile and chuckle. God I miss hearing that!

All three, yes even G, remembers you. We say “Goodnight” to you each night before bed, and often talk about you. T remembers eating you out of grapes each time we came round . L has a few treasured photos on her bedroom walls, two of which are of you. You’re honoured actually, to share some wall space with all the posters of 1Direction (her favourite pop group) and Tom Daley.

I think of you every day. I have conversations with you quite regularly, I always win the argument though! But I hate not being able to talk to you.

I won’t lie the past year has been immensely hard on all of us, but in some ways your absence brought us all together a bit more, and made everyone realise that life is short. I suppose we thought you were tough as old boots and would always be here.

I saw a poem which helps me express how I feel about losing you. It’s not mine, and I’m unsure of who wrote it. But I’m grateful to whoever they may be.

The moment that you died

my heart was torn in two,

One side filled with heartache

the other died with you.

I often lie awake at night

when the world is fast asleep

and take a walk down memory lane

with tears upon my cheeks.

Remembering you is easy

I do it everyday

But missing you is heartache

that never goes away.

I hold you tightly within my heart

and there you will remain

Until my life on earth is done

when we meet again.

There we go Granddad, a very brief update on the children for you. It has been hard writing this; lump in throat, tears in my eyes, the usual. Hopefully it will get easier with each year.

Buenas Noches

xx

Thank you William Boyd

It is said that keeping a diary is a place where you can be truly honest and open about and to yourself. No holds barred. No censorship. No need to lie or pretend. There would be no point, you would only be lying to yourself, which kind of contradicts the point of the diary. A blog is a type of diary isn’t it? Or is it? It’s out there forever on the world wide web. Public record. Never to be deleted.

I have struggled with this, worrying that I cannot always afford to be completely honest and open for fear of offending people; opening up my true feeling and opinions towards controversial topics can lead to a loss in followers, a drop in stats, negative comments and occasionally the need to have to go back on what I have said. What’s the point in that?

I am well aware that not everyone would agree or care to read my opinions on politics, my money and financial rants, complaints or observations on other peoples parenting skills (or lack of); so generally I have endeavoured to keep my past posts optimistic and light-hearted apart from the occasional rant (sometimes things need to be said).

I find the ease to write comes more naturally to me when I am troubled by something, irritated by someone, angry with a situation, confused, hurt and upset. Is everyone like this? Probably not.

I get frustrated when I haven’t got or found the inspiration. I have started and subsequently not completed between 10 and 15 posts. I start with real conviction, but once I get to a point I hit the wall and lose interest; worry too much that I’ve rambled, that it will bore the reader. Mostly I leave it telling myself that I’ll come back to it the next day; I don’t and there goes another unfinished post in the draft folder.

But writing a diary, keeping a journal, posting a blog is allowed to sporadic. I don’t have to write every day. I wish I could afford the time and concentration. I read many other blogs which are, or seem to be, updated daily and as a reader I truly enjoy them as well as greatly admire the blogger. How, oh god, How do they find the time to commit every day. They seem to roll out post after post, which are honestly bloody brilliant.

Cover of "Any Human Heart"

I recently re-read William Boyd’sAny Human Heart“. I liked it 3 years ago; I love it now. It was adapted slightly (by WB) for a television drama series which is also just as good. When it was released on DVD, I nagged the Husband to get it for me (he did). I will confess that one of the reasons I loved the television programme was that it starred Matthew Macfadyen, even though I have to say that to me he will always be Tom Quinn from Spooks.  Sorry – gone slightly off topic there.

My Father-in-law (FIL) also watched the television programme (please note he is a HUGE bookworm who, I’m sure, has read nearly almost every book, ever). FIL said that he thought the adaptation from book to television was “actually very good”. For my FIL to say that, then you can be sure that it was. Period. End of discussion.

Anyway, back to my point (see, am I rambling?)….the book is the ongoing journal of a fictional man called Logan Mounstuart. It begins from his teenage years and continues throughout his life. The journals are not written daily, but in fits and starts, on again off again, sometimes with vast periods of time missing. A properly good read.

Upon re-reading I suddenly wanted to start writing again – stupid isn’t it. After nearly 2 months of nothing a made up story of a man and his journal writing has helped me pick up my own pen (yes I mostly manually write everything out beforehand – old school I guess!) and start posting again.

So I will endeavour to continue being light-hearted as much as possible – I will also address the drafts which sit waving at me, trying to get my attention and their fifteen minutes of fame.

Thank you William Boyd

xx