Fifty Shades of…. Yawn? Porn? I’ll decide!

Yes, here you go my opinion on everyone else’s opinion concerning Fifty Shades of Grey,  the notorious book by E.L James, which took the world by phenomenal proportions in 2011 and the subsequent film, which was released this past weekend.



Yes, I have read the books. No I have not seen the film, and neither will I, unless I am in my own home watching it on Blu-ray; I have no intention of going to see it in the cinema surrounded by strangers. I am not a prude, but I know what the story is about. WHY would I want to watch a film concerning BDSM, “vanilla sex” and light erotica anywhere other than at home?! Equally I have absolutely no problem with people who do chose to go to the cinema and watch the film, why you would want to go there on Valentine’s night bewilders me slightly, but hey each to their own.

What I DO have a problem with is people, on the news, in the newspapers, on the internet, in magazines, friends, acquaintances, presenters the television, the woman in the street, the man in the shop, all moaning about it, going on and on and on and on. If the story offends you, DON’T GO TO SEE THE FILM! If the story turns your stomach, DON’T GO TO SEE THE FILM! If you consider it porn, DON’T GO TO SEE IT!

For the love of God, please just stop moaning about it. It’s not as if this is a classic story, a childrens story a majority of us may have grown up with which has been manipulated, tweaked and completely changed by a film studio to make millions. No, this is a film which has been made purely because the book was such a complete and utter surprise hit with EVERYONE, women and men.

I myself also got caught up in the bubble of Christian Grey the summer of 2011. I can clearly remember standing in the playground at going home time, and noticing how almost everyone was talking about it in their own little friendship groups. Hands up, I did too! “What part were you up to? Have you got to that bit yet? I can’t put it down” But I wasn’t alone in the fact that nearly halfway through the second instalment, I got bored of all the sex. It became to frequent and “samey”. I wanted to read the story about how Anastasia and Christian got over various and sometimes bloody big hurdles, to be together, not necessarily keep reading about their sexual escapades.

When it was announced that a film was being made, I laughed with my friends and joked that we could have a girly night out, and attend the cinema together. I thought that I wouldn’t have a problem going to see it. I enjoyed the teaser trailer which was released last year. But as the release date got nearer such a fuss has been made about it, it’s turned me off the film altogether. My local Tesco had made a display within their underwear section for “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I saw that my local Peacocks store had made a window display for the film…….for me it is too much. It’s almost along the same lines as having Christmas advertised to me in August! Too much, too much, too much.

I enjoyed the books, a bit of escapism into a world where money is no object, desire is fraught with curiosity, lust and potential danger. I wasn’t alone in enjoying it. Admittedly I dare say that a many number of people read the book purely out curiosity, the books popularity soared by word-of-mouth and was dubbed “mummy-porn”,  I even know a few men who admitted to reading it to find out what the “fuss was all about, the wife is clearly enjoying it!”. Even so, all I seem to keep hearing over the last two days is people/media saying how rubbish the film is, slating it for various reasons, it’s not as good as the book; it’s not going to be is it?! If it was it would definitely be porn!

I will watch the film when it is released on Blu-ray. I will make up my own mind on whether the screenwriters have been successful in transposing the delicate and difficult story with its debatable sexual topic and putting it on the big-screen. If you find the film, the book, the topic of sexual tastes within the storyline uncomfortable and as some have been heard saying “dirty”, DON’T WATCH THE FILM. DON’T READ THE BOOK and please please please STOP moaning about it. If the film hasn’t lived up to your expectations, WAKE UP it is NOT PORN! But please people stop saying negative things about it – you along with all the those other establishments pushing the “Fifty Shades of Grey” brand have completely made me NOT want to watch the film, and I DO actually want to watch the film.

At the end of the day IT IS JUST A FILM. IT IS NOT REAL.

Thanks – Rant over.




Well at least they’ll have each other……

Its funny the number of topics you can cover when a fellow SAHM(* see bottom of page for definition) pops round for a cuppa…

My  “new honest”attitude: I casually told a fellow mummy-friend, “E”, that she should be more selective when choosing who to breed with next time; this was after she told us how one of her gorgeous kids was having trouble with handwriting and physical co-ordination. Firstly I would like to point out on her behalf that there will be no more breeding for her – this is by her own admission. And secondly I meant no offence with what I said, and She knows this, I hope! However, after the on-set of my panic attacks (see last post) I have decided to stop wearing a mask and sugar coating everything I want to say. If I think/feel/have an opinion/comment, I will tell you like it is. Or will try to. I am going to stop being super duper nicey nicey and worrying about what people think.

Sex: (usually one of the most discussed & top of our list) Although when the offspring are within earshot, you would think we were talking about the Teletubbies copulating – our replacement codewords can be very inventive! And for the sake of our spouses I will not elaborate the details of THIS particular topic!

Weather:  most recently its been utterly sh1t. We want and need some sunshine. Although I need to shift some wobblyness before I go near my summer clothes. (H, you must remind me, Ive got a bag of girls clothes for you.) How can I do that when I have been so hungry lately. This week I have eaten, 4 **** **** with salad cream, a whole box of ***** ****. ( I am not stupid, I am NOT going to actually allow you know what Ive eaten.) Not sure where this  hunger is coming from. I am definitely not pregnant. But on the plus side, I have not been having lunch – so H and I agreed that this calorie consumption is fine. We also discussed what is the best and most calorific meal you could eat for a fiver. (Please note H is 3 months preggers (again – she’s building an army to take over the world…Well north Essex anyway!) so is ALWAYS hungry. ) I said a Macdonalds Big Mac meal. H said go to Tesco and get a large pack of biscuits and a bag of nuts.

Clocks going forward:  how will our youngest deal with it? This then evolved into the sleeping patterns of our last born…Me – I went through ten months of living hell with my youngest, and now I am so very blissfully happy, as he is one of the best sleepers in the house. I can categorically state that I  absolutely could not ever return to that, EVER. H is going to be going through it all again in about 6-ish months time. She must be utterly mad but she is a great mum with a fabulous support network (smug cow!) so she’ll survive and in a few years time she’ll have a faithful army of blond soliders at her beck n call!

This turned into the things I miss from dealing with new babies: I miss and think I would always miss the breastfeeding, despite what I may have said previously – the private cosy time with just me and whichever baby at the time. Although with each of my girls I loved it; with my boy, I hated it. I was stressed, he hurt me, etc. I won’t go into gory details for the sake of those yet to pro-create – I don’t want to put you off! And although I will NOT be breastfeeding H’s new baby, I am very much looking forward to tonnes of cuddles, with the knowledge that I will be able to get a full nights sleep.

Plans for the weekend: girls night out Saturday for a E’s birthday meal. Indian booked; what will we order? I love a Korma – I find it comforting and easy to eat, but always linger to long over the menu wondering if I’m brave enough to try something new.  H cant drink what with being preggars – can she have a wine spritzer. We both agreed probably easier and less tormenting to just not drink at all. Then on Sunday, the Husband is taking me and the kids – all of them – horse racing. Sounds posher that it is, so I’m told. We’re going point-to-point racing. Looking forward to donning my new wellie boots, wrapping up and taking a picnic.

Moaning about respective spouses: Its the usual men are from mars scenario. They are lovely, and we love them dearly. But they are sooooo frustrating. We want help with the kids/housework/school-run, obviously, but we don’t want to have to ask for it. Sometimes it would be lovely for them to just offer. When it comes to being ill H and I have two differing opinions – H says she wants to just sit and Mr H can just get on with it all, just like she has to everyday. Whereas I can be on my deathbed and continue to get on with things. A good example is that very recently during a bought of flu and bronchitis, although Husband had taken time off work to “nurse” me better, I was defiant and carried on doing my “job” – cooking dinner, ironing, etc.My point being, when you are struck down with Man-flu and are on your death bed, I allow you to recuperate and accept that you cant possibly do anything; but when I am ill, I cant crawl into my deathbed – I have to carry on being a mum, wife and housekeeper.

Swearing/language: I have to admit it that recently I have been much less careful when it come to profanities and bad language around the children. I just simply cannot be bothered anymore. Sorry to those who have sat there and tutted at me!  I’m not saying I swear all the time, but at those particular moments when only a swear word will do, I do!

Academic comparisons: Not between each others children, but the difference between our own children, for example, my two girls. My eldest daughter is not showing signs of being very academic – more arty and sporty. She would much rather watch telly and do something arty and creative then read a book. Whereas my middle daughter, even at the age of 3, prefers books to telly, is learning her phonic alphabet, can recite and read of the letters from the alphabet, can do simple math sums. I am not boasting, simply saying.  So I find it hard to imagine that my eldest will visit University. This then opened up the discussion about further education…

University: If any of our children want to attend, we are going to struggle to afford it, as I am sure many many families would at the moment. I know we’ve got quite a while before we get to that stage, but time is flying by so very fast.

Life insurance: Currently, I do not have life insurance. Husband and I have discussed this previously but decided that as I smoked, it probably wouldn’t be worth it. Well now I don’t – I haven’t smoked in almost 2 months!! – I think we should get it sorted. IF I was to come to untimely death, The Husband , who is out of the house 14 hours a day would be fukced (thats a technical term) for childcare, school runs, general raising of the children. So yes life insurance for me is definitely required.

Inheritance: Currently, our children will be completely out of luck if something was to happen to us as a couple or if they are expecting to inherit anything from either myself or The Husband. We haven’t got anything of value, only things we have would be sentimental. H said almost the same thing. Still with both of our families consisting of numerous children, it doesn’t matter that they don’t inherit anything of monetary value; at least they will have each other!

*SAHM  = stay at home mum – AKA. Superwoman, chef, nursemaid, cleaner, washer-up-er, childminder, taxi driver, shopper, dresser, pornstar, book reader, all-round-pretty-fabulous-multi-tasker.