Anxiety Art

So as I mentioned in my last post, I am suffering from severe anxiety. Currently signed off work, unable to go out, speak to people, deal with conflict, suffering from almost daily panic attacks…. I am a shadow of my former self.

I am on new medication and I am working on my mental health and confidence with the help and support of my wonderful Husband and family in an effort to get back to being me.

I have found one of the side effects of having anxiety, my brain has turned into jelly; I can’t think straight, I lose my train of thought, get confused, have at least 3 tasks on the go at the same time. I am unable to sit still and relax, for fear of slipping into a cloud of depression, anxiety and confusion.

Having gone from working fulltime and running the house, and family (1 husband, 3 kids, 2 dogs and 3 cats) to not having all the usual daily responsibilities, my brain (and hands) is starting to get bored. So I dug out the box of paints, blew the dust off the unused blank canvases and dipped back into creating. I used to paint a lot when i was younger and of course during lockdown, I picked up the paintbrush. But this time it’s different.

This time, I am using my painting as my therapy. I take myself into a corner of the kitchen, put Netflix or Amazon Prime on my phone and completely zone out. It stops the wandering thoughts. I become calmer. I smoke less, worry less and relax. I immerse myself in the canvas.

Although my family must be bored of me asking them if they like the current creation, I am at peace as I am my own master; I am not having to please someone. I am not being micromanaged, or belittled, or moaned at. I am not struggling against an unrealistic corporate deadline, trying desperately to keep at least 3 other people on track for their work-load. I have not got a little icon bleeping at me telling another email has been received or a Teams message has been sent. I am in my heaven for a while.

I have taken photos of some of the canvases I have done over the last 3 weeks. Some are not finished, as I lose interest quickly or I just suddenly feel the need to change completely the look and so I start a new canvas. I will keep all of them, as I have in the past. These are my stepping stones through life.

Below are a few of the canvases I have started, not all are finished in their entirety, for various reasons I find myself unable to complete them. I have uploaded them in the order I painted them. I think its obvious that my state of mind is evident in the painting. The last one at the bottom was started today, a canvas my mum has asked for; this will be completed tomorrow.

Stuck for a Christmas gift….🎄📚

Stuck for a present to buy someone for Christmas…?? 🎄🎁🎄
Want to give something unique,  personal, inexpensive, within budget, value for money…..something which can give that special someone a release, a story, an adventure, magic, mystery, truth, history or fiction…then for goodness sake go shopping in a book shop. 📚📖📚📖📚
Any book shop, whether it be a large wealthy chain or a small independent bookseller, it doesn’t matter. 📚📖📚📖📚
The gift of a book is something which everyone should receive.

Happy book shopping peeps.

Xx

Books 📚

I’m sorry but you will not convince or convert me…..I am a book lover. I believe in the magic, the feel, the smell, the touch, the words, the comfort, the company of a book.
Any book is better than an electronic replacement.
You can tell a lot of a person character by peeking at their bookshelves.
Money spent on a book is not wasted. Books passed down through the family hold a meaning; hold a history.
Buying a book as a present indicates that you have given your time, your understanding and included your effort into that person, what they like, whether they are they a dreamer, a realist, a history freak.
The magic of a book will never be lost on me.
Xx

Sunrise in Walton-on-the-Naze

The sunrise here in Walton-on-the-Naze at 5.23am this morning.
And a wonderful way to to start the week.
Absolutely gorgeous colours and so peaceful.
I really am so lucky to have been able to raise my babies here.
Being able to hear the sea from my bedroom window is a noise that I will truly be upset to leave behind.
I’m going to really utterly miss this when we move *sad face*….😞

Closing the bath-time chapter

That time has come. The time I never actually thought would ever happen.  My babies all of sudden, way too quickly, without me even seeing it have grown too big to share a bath any longer. This makes me sad, very sad.

T now 5, and G, now 3, have taken baths together since G was a small baby.  Initially I started bathing them together to save time, water, energy, as I imagine many other mums with do when they have more than one child under 2 years of age. It was a success on all counts. I managed to get both children bathed and ready for bed, two for the price of one, I established a good evening routine, and both T and G developed a good strong bother/sister bond, and I had two clean children!

But over the last three years, the bath times have slowly become more infrequent, the evening routine has slipped, and the playful baths have turned into more of a squabble over space, toys, attention, who gets to take out the plug, and who gets out last.

Tonight really was the last straw for me, a sad one I realise now, but the last nevertheless. I lost count of the number of times an argument broke out over the lack of space. T wanted to practice her swimming, G didn’t want to move out of the way so he splashed her in the face, she pushed him, he kicked her, he got her hair wet, she pulled the toy out of his hand, it went on and on and on and on. Referring siblings is difficult at the best of times, but add a bath full of water and it just becomes a nightmare.

Therefore, for the sake of my sanity more than anything, I announced rather loudly in the middle of the last shouting match “That’s it! From now on no more baths together. You will have baths on your own!” . I rather naïvely thought that that would bring a halt to the noise; it did but not in the way I expected. They both cheered! They seem to like this idea.

So, while I have been clinging on to the idea that they enjoy their baths together, they have probably been wondering when Mum is going to wake up and realise that they want to bath solo. So it appears that another chapter in their childhood is closing. I’ll leave the bookmark in there though and revisit it when I want to remember my babies when they were at such a fun time in their lives; it has been a period of time and growing that I actually enjoyed witnessing and will miss.

S

xx